Leave it all in the box

After having lunch with a sweet friend today I realized this thing called life is tough. Lately, I have had this overwhelming feeling that I missed a step somewhere. Many go to college caring less about future careers and more about their MRS degree. However, that wasn't me. I wanted a career, a true big girl kind of job. I committed myself to academia and extra curricular activities to provide myself with not only a stellar resume but also poised interview skills that would be tough to beat against other interviewees. So what happened? Well... I fell in love. I went to Mimi's Cafe to meet a long time friend for lunch and that lunch turned into a several hour conversation, a trip to fast lanes where I schooled him in laser tag because he had his gun upside down and after countless laughs;  I became a bride, a wife, and shortly after a mom. My life was now consumed with beaming at the successes of my husband and full time motherhood.  While I may be a mom to three little ones now, I still feel like that same girl dreaming big dreams even when I couldn't see the stepping stones to get there.  Underneath all the spit-up, diaper changes, cleaning, cooking and laughing with my better half,  I still want that career. When God blessed me with my children I truly thought an enormous about of success would come from being a mommy to them. But the true reality is...It isn't all rainbows and butterflies or a facebook post worthy of hundreds of likes.  Of course, there are moments where I can't get enough kisses and hugs;  but there are also moments where I want to shut myself off from babies just to give me a glimpse of quiet time. You may ask, what is stopping me from pursuing a career? The answer may be shocking.... I have no idea what I want to do. How does a girl who committed herself to graduating at the top of her class and community service not know what she wants to do for a career? Children changed everything. My mind at times seems like a box of chocolates. One minute I have taken a bite of one and have my mind made up and the next I am reaching for another piece of chocolate and more confused than I was before. Ultimately, I want to feel a sense of success outside of being a mom and wife. Right now, I don't know what that success looks like. There are days I wake up hoping I would find a piece of paper giving me step by step instructions on defining my success, but today, I did learn about a special project to help me through this journey called life. A prayer box. I actually write down my prayers and place them in a box symbolizing truly giving over my prayers to God and trusting his guidance and answers. Being a mommy is my current profession but I know i need to allow God to help me define what personal success is in my life so that I can stop questioning every bite and know the chocolate I've chosen is the profession for me.